Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
