My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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