Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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