Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
