So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
