just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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