Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
