ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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