mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
