i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
