we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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