this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize