so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
