Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
