clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Its about making memories worth repressing
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
