I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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