The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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