my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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