I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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