i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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