Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
