peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
