How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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