Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
