Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
