Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
