She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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