We need to rekindle our bromance
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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