So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
