everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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