careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
