so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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