the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
