What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
