and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
that may or may not have been my penis.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
