Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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