I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Randomize