Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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