Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
