Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
