the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
