speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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