Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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