His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How does one acquire holy water?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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