Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
