I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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