I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
