She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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