i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
