I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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