Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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