I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
