All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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