Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
