My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
