Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
