Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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