remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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