i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There r osticjed everywhere
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
