please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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