I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
