As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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