if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
