if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
