evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
