I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
