Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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